Daily Practice - Guidance from Matilda Buck, SGI-USA Women's Leader

You may have seen this guidance before, but wanted to share in case you hadn't, as I found it very inspiring myself...

BY MATILDA BUCK, SGI-USA WOMEN’S LEADER [from World Tribune 04/12/02, p.1]

Lately, I have been talking to people who have hit a wall after 20-plus years of Buddhist practice. Most people might think that after decades of practice, life should be filled with deep satisfaction. Well, I believe that everything we experience prepares us for the next step — and there’s always a next step. I know, because it was after 20 years of practice — after I had already made dramatic changes in my life — that I found myself plunged into undeniable sadness. The deep-seated sadness that I thought was gone had only been hiding.

That wasn’t the worst part. As I was chanting, I went even deeper and was startled to find another more profound feeling: true hopelessness, an ironclad conviction that I would never be happy or at ease. I could endure things better now, I could dedicate myself to a noble cause, but I would never feel right. I didn’t deserve happiness. The core of my life, I believed, wasn’t Nam Myoho-renge-kyo — it was sadness.

How could this be, after so many years of practice, of wholeheartedly working to help and encourage others? What had I been practicing 20 years for?

Does this ring a bell?

I recently rediscovered a quote from Nichiren Daishonin that I think helps explain how we can feel stuck even after many years of Buddhist practice. In “Reply to the Mother of Ueno,” he describes how the best and strongest lumber is chosen to build a pagoda, while lesser wood is used for the temporary scaffolding that must be used in construction.

“When one is preparing to build a great pagoda,” the Daishonin writes, “the scaffolding is of great importance. But once the pagoda is completed, then the scaffolding is removed and thrown away. This is the meaning of the passage about ‘honestly discarding expedient means.’ Though the scaffolding is necessary to complete the pagoda, no one would ever dream of discarding the pagoda and worshiping the scaffolding” (The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, p. 1074).

The Daishonin is explaining that the Lotus Sutra is the great pagoda and other teachings are the scaffolding. I think we can draw an analogy to our lives: Often we have erected scaffolding of false beliefs about ourselves and the world. As the Daishonin implies, at one time, they may have enabled us to build our lives. Even the lumber of self-deprecation, fear, anger or arrogance may have allowed us to survive at one time.

As practitioners, we have constructed the great pagoda of Nam Myoho-renge-kyo in our lives, but, as I shared in my experience, we may still be clinging to the scaffolding of false beliefs. Mine was the deep conviction that I would never deserve to be happy.

Do you find any of this “lesser lumber” in your life?

I’m different from everyone else. No one understands me.
I don’t deserve to succeed — and even if I succeed, something bad will happen.
Drugs and alcohol are the only way to escape my feelings.
Overeating is the only way to fill this black hole inside me.
Everyone around me is _________ (fill in the blank: small-minded, vindictive, stupid, self-centered, etc.).
I’ve been dealt a bad hand in life. The best I can hope for is just to survive. Maybe next lifetime will be better.
I’ll never be happily married. No one could ever love me.
Putting others down is the only way to feel better about myself.
It’s OK to make bad choices about relationships/money/anything, because that’s all I deserve — or because that’s the only way I’ll get attention.
I’m a bad Buddhist.
I’ve failed at everything. There’s no point in living.

After years of practice, the pagoda of our enlightenment may be large, but the scaffolding obscuring it has been in place so long that we may no longer notice it. This scaffolding that at one time may have even protected us actually becomes a detriment to our happiness. If enlightenment means awakening to the fact that we are the Buddha, that life is invaluable, then we have a mission to awaken all beings to this and to live it ourselves by our own transformation. Our deep negative beliefs are in direct contradiction to the fundamental, enlightened truth of life.

The wisdom of the Gohonzon is that the pagoda and the scaffolding cannot co-exist easily. Once the pagoda is erected, and the scaffolding still remains, we feel discomfort — vague or intense. That discomfort is actually a benefit. It is telling us we need to self-reflect.

We need to ask ourselves, “Along with my belief in the power of the Mystic Law and my Buddha potential, do I simultaneously carry a deluded view of the deepest reality of my life?” We can begin by chanting for insight and to discard this scaffolding of delusion so that our great life pagoda that we have built is unobstructed. This requires courage. On the other hand, to not take that step, to not advance, is to lack compassion because when we break through, countless others around us are inspired to do the same.

If we are serious, we must ask ourselves what we are willing to stop doing. Are we willing to dismantle the lesser scaffolding that obscures our essential life? Can we stop punishing ourselves or others? Can we awaken from the anesthesia of denial?

When I hit the wall after 20 years of practice, I made a conscious decision to practice Nichiren Daishonin’s philosophy, not my own. At first I faked it. I read the Daishonin’s writings “On Attaining Buddhahood in This Lifetime” and “On the Treasure Tower” to remind myself — convince myself — that I was a Buddha. I didn’t believe it, but I repeated to myself: “My life is Nam Myoho-renge-kyo. I am a Buddha, and therefore I have all the power of a Buddha. I can bring forth the wisdom and power to change my problem. I am going to become happy. It is incumbent upon me as a Bodhisattva of the Earth to be happy. I am allowed. It’s the way I will demonstrate the Law.”

SGI President Ikeda has said, “As long as you have courage, wisdom and sincerity, you can turn everyone and everything into allies through the art of humanity” (Nov. 30, 2001, World Tribune, p. 3).

Courage, wisdom and sincerity — these are exactly the qualities that we develop as we reach out over and over to help others practice, as we develop our humanity. Because of 20 years of trying to help others, I had the courage at the crucial moment to look at this dark part of myself, and I was empowered to turn the most fearful thing — the deep belief that I could never be happy — into an ally for my enlightenment.

The biggest benefit is that, through this experience, I came to know my core identity of Buddha, and that every person, every situation, shares this identity. It affects every relationship, every situation I encounter. It is the antithesis of hopelessness and deadness.

It means everything is possible. Consider this formula:

Determine to use your situation to become someone who does not doubt that Nam Myoho-renge-kyo is the core of your life, no matter what is happening.

Pray that “as a Bodhisattva of the Earth, I have the karma to experience this; therefore, I have the mission to overcome it and to be victorious.” Nothing can match the power of chanting daimoku.

Take action to practice for others and to propagate this Buddhism — to carry out your mission, which only you can do.

Transform negativity and recognize each setback as one event, not emblematic of your life. Don’t be swayed by past events. Use each situation to bring forth more power, not to retreat.

Dismantle the scaffolding of negative beliefs.

President Ikeda has said: “A person may have all the wealth and treasure in the world, but viewed from the perspective of the ultimate reality of life, such things are but mere illusions…. The most important thing is to build an indestructible palace of happiness within our lives…. It is through experiencing hardship that we can savor true joy. It is through making efforts that we can grow.”

Let us all reveal and savor our great pagodas, our palaces of happiness.